I told Cheryl that I am starting to accept that a situation in my life is not going to get better. In fact, it will get worst. I have been in denial that I could fix it.
That acceptance is new. That acceptance pulls down, makes heavy, and tightens my heart. Those are my physical symptoms of sadness.
Typically, when I feel sad, I’ll do something to distract myself. I count my blessings, think about three good things that happened to me and why, practice kindness, and use gratitude to gain the larger picture perspective.
But I'm trying something new. Thanks to participating in mindfulness and compassion meditation facilitator training and therapy, I am practicing being aware of, observing, and sitting with my feelings. Practicing to not judge my feelings as good or bad, wanted or unwanted, or to cling to or to avoid them. This is new for me. It is hard and I feel stupid.
But feeling stupid is good. Feeling stupid means that my mind/body is on the cusp of neural adaptation. I feel stupid because the neural pathway isn’t formed yet. Feeling stupid is a signal that I am about to learn something new and grow.
So last night, in bed, I talked to Cheryl about my realization, my loss, and my sadness. Cheryl listened, talked, cried, listened more, and supported me. Cheryl allowed me to be sad and confused. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her to do. It wasn't easy for me to do. But Cheryl wants me to be able to feel what I feel and be who I am.
Cheryl held me and allowed my sadness to rise and stay and fade.
Cheryl is a remarkable woman. I find myself singing the last line from that song in Hamilton, “Hey, best of wives and best of women.”
This happened because Cheryl and I have gone through some serious and not so serious life events over the past 25 years together. We survived those and are committed to surviving the new ones that will come our way. We are committed to making the daily decision to love each other even when we don't feel like loving.
26 years ago, I prayed to God to bring someone into my life who would bring me closer to him. God answered and gave me Cheryl. I see God in Cheryl’s actions and love for me every day.