Build Positive Opportunities

What can you do to be happier?  Aspen Ideas Festival people answered in this 3 minute video.
 
These are the two answers I LOVE:
1)      Stop worrying about being happy
2)     There are more important things than being happy

"A Better Way to Pursue Happiness" article from Greater Good Science Center writes “Research suggests that people who strive to feel happy all of the time may suffer disappointment, and people who pursue happiness as if it were the only thing that matters may, ironically, chase happiness away.”
 
If happiness isn't the ultimate goal, what is? 
 
I can't answer that.  But I told my students this,  "Don’t chase happiness.  Instead, build in opportunities every day to experience positive emotions and positive connections with others."

My example:  Over the years, I found myself waking up, grabbing my iPhone, and checking facebook, CNN, sports illustrated, or Daring Fireball.  I would lie in bed for 20 minutes to an hour just surfing the internet.  Then I would curse myself for wasting time.  Even though I knew this habit was making me unhappy, I continued wake up, grab my phone, and surf the web.  My fear of missing out on something important drove me to do this every morning, day after day, month after month, year after year.
 
After taking Shawn Blanc's The Focused Course, I decided to make a change:  I would not pick up my phone in the first hour of waking up. I would replace morning surfing the web with writing.   Sometimes, I write a letter to my partner or one of my daughters.  I write down three goals I want to achieve in the day.  I write down three things I'm grateful happened to me and why they happened.  I write about my three of longest social interactions I had the day before.  And what was the quality of those interactions.  

This changed my mornings.  Before, I would be angry or disgusted at myself for wasting time.  Now, thanks to writing, I feel more aware of what I am thinking and feeling.  Writing helps me set goals to acheive each day.  It makes me more grateful and aware of the good things and people in my life.  Writing helps me see everyday interactions with others as opportunities to connect.  And I’ve started to prioritize making positive connection more.
 
What can you do to build in opportunities to experience positive emotions in your everyday life?  Exercise, have lunch with a friend, touch the ocean, call your mom, practice your art, sing, read, play, cook, study . . . ? 
 
I challenge you: Build in one (just one) more activity, once a week that might bring you positive emotions when you do it.  While it is attractive to want to make a big splashy change, I recommend starting small.  Too much change at once is a great recipe to burned out and give up.   Just pick one small activity, once a week, for the next couple of months.  Write it in your calendar and honor your commitment to yourself.  

Maybe the goal is life is not to be happy.  But we can build daily opportunities to connect in more meaningful ways with others or experience something that makes us happier.  I want that for you.  

Choose to Be Kind

Research suggests when we are kind to someone, our own happiness increases.  The more we increase our happiness, the more compassionate, generous and kind we are.  Which makes us happier.  A positive feedback loop.

Of course, be smart.  Don’t practice kindness with people who go out of their way to abuse and hurt you.  But armed with the knowledge that kindness is not a zero-sum game, I can start to make choices.   I can chose to kind regardless if the another acknowledges it, thanks me or returns it.  The effects of my kindness are not limited to the receiver.  As Dr. Rick Hanson says, “In a relationship, one of the best ways to get your own needs met is to take maximum reasonable responsibility for meeting the needs of the other person . . . it’s your best odds strategy for getting treated better by others. This approach is the opposite of being a doormat; it puts you in a stronger position.”

Knowing that being kind helps me be happier, why shouldn't I make the conscious choice to be kind?  It’s doesn’t have to be huge acts of kindness.  I could chose to wash someone else’s dishes. I could listen to a friend without smart phone distractions.  I could write a note of encouragement.  I could send a gratitude text message.  

What ways can you show your kindness?  I challenge you to do some small act of kindness today.  Random acts of kindness are good but why not take control of your kindness?  Choose to be kind.    

 

 

 

My Weekly Wellness Email

Every week, I write an email to my interns. I include events, requests, and responsibilities. But I also include a personal thought. Here is this week's.

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Dear Health & Wellness Interns,

How many weekends do you have left this quarter? 8

How many weekends left until the end of spring quarter? 34

How many more weekends until my older daughter turn 18 and leaves home? 230

230 seems a lot more than 8. And it is. But weekends will come and go. It will be here before I know it.

We pretend, or trick, or just believe that we have all the time in the world. But time is a finite resource.

How are you going to spend your time? I hope this email helps you reflect on your values and how you want to live every day. Don’t just go through the motions. Be intentional. Be mindful of your choices.

I challenge you to make a positive difference in the lives of your friends, family, and community. Use your strengths to help others. This Health & Wellness internship is only one way to do so. Be creative. Be true to yourself.

Can you be mindful all the time? No. I often, daily really, relapse into going through the motions, reacting instead of being intentional. We don’t have to be perfect. Perfection is impossible. Don’t fall into the thought trap that anything less than perfection is failure and not worth trying.

Let this email be a bug in your ear that reminds you to keep your eye on what is important to you. Do something intentional today that matches your values. And in the future, when you randomly remember to be intentional, do it again.

Camping with the In-laws

Friends think I'm a little crazy. Each summer, for the last 11 years, my family camps with Cheryl's parents for two weeks. All six of us fit in their camper truck that pulls a tent trailer my family sleeps in. We drive around 2,000 miles and stay in a new campground almost every night.

This summer's road trip is to Canada's Rocky Mountains. On Saturday I was very cold and I could not stay asleep. So I wrote Cheryl this note:

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Cheryl note Saturday, July 13, 2013 - 4:48 AM

Dear Cheryl,

Last night I was so uncomfortable. The tent trailer bed made me feel like I was rolling off the side constantly. I was frustrated. Sure enough, I woke up at 2-something (2nd night in a row) and was uncomfortable.

I listened to Radio Lab and Back To Work podcasts for the next 2 1/2 hours.

They made me think again that I don't have control of my bed, how much I sleep, or my emotions. But I do have control of what I do.

I'm sorry I woke you up. You need more sleep than I do. I realize my moving around woke you and kept you up. I was moving in frustration. But my coping didn't make me feel any better and it woke you up. That is a pattern: Reacting to my frustrations in a way that negatively impacts you. I want to break that pattern.

The Back To Work podcast talked about family again. Similar to what you taught me, Merlin said the time we have with our children is finite. When I think of Angela being 14: That means we have ~208 weekends (52 weeks a year * 4 years) left until she is 18. Then she moves on to the next phase of adulthood. Or we can think we have 52 weekends until she becomes a high school student and our relationship with her will change again. 52 weekends will fly by, as will 200.

But instead of mourning the rapid loss of this beautiful time/age - what if I am able to be more present and enjoy the time I have right now? You call that "giving your family your good energy" so I don't become this old man who regrets not spending enough time with my kids. Buddhist and positive psychologists call it mindfulness.

These crazy road trips with your parents, with all the uncomfortableness, your cut fingers on a glacier saving my water bottle, the six lunches made out of 3 pieces of bread and a heel because we refuse to eat out, the lack of electricity/internet/showers, the pit toilets, and uncomfortable cold and lack of sleep - is giving me time with you, dad, mom, Angela and Cami. There are the wonderful talks, being surrounded by God's mountains, glaciers, rivers, lakes and billions of trees. There is the laughter, the back rubs, the walks, the family meals, the campfires and roasted marshmallows, reading my Auntie's book to the kids, and the fellowship. It is all precious. It is all beautiful. I treasure it all in my heart.

Thank you for giving me this gift of camping with your family for two weeks every summer. Thank you for expanding my world and focusing my life on our family and spreading God's love. I love you for it and I love you.

Love, maka

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My in-laws are generous, patient and accepting of me. These road trips they give to my family is the gift of family time: Time with them, my daughters and Cheryl. I love them for it.

I'd be a little crazy not to.

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Giving Gifts

Cheryl and I don't buy gifts for each other on special days (i.e. Father's/Mother's Day, Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc.).  We write letters as our gifts.   

The benefits: Reduce the pressure to "buy/find the perfect gift" to express our love; we save money; we spend less time shopping; and we have less crap around because we buy less crap.  

The cons: We lose the dopamine rush that comes from shopping; and we lose out on receiving gifts.   

This isn't absolute rule.  If I see something that I know Cheryl will love, will buy it for her.  But the obligation to buy and present gifts on specific days is no longer here.

This is Cheryl's Father's Day gift to me this year.  

2013 Father's Day Letter from Cheryl

Haiku for You

maka the daddy

playing laughing cuddling

loving his children

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Happy Father's Day!  

 

 

Why I Don't Want Another Pet Rat

Snowbell, our 5th pet rat, died on Sunday.  Now only pet rat Lavender remains.  Angela, who has a heart for animals like St. Francis, asked us to buy another baby rat to give Lavender a friend and keep her calm and ease her loneliness. I love Angela's heart and I want to support her compassion. But I don't want another pet rat at this time.  I didn't know specifically why I didn't want one.  And I didn't know how to explain it.  So I wrote her this letter this morning.

Angela note Monday, June 10, 2013 - 6:40 AM

Dear Angela,

I love you.  

I heard you think it is important for us to get Lavender a friend rat to keep her from being lonely, bored, freaking out, and healthy.  Another pet rat would give her a friend.  I love that you are caring of our Lavender, that you want to make sure she is okay and taken care of well.  To me that is a sign of your good heart, your thoughtfulness, and your compassion for others who are suffering.  Those are all wonderful qualities that I want to support and help grow in you.

The problem, which I think you understand, is if we buy another rat it becomes another rat to take care of.  While you are able to deal with the responsibility of taking care of the rat, it has to be a family decision.  At this time, I am not willing to take on the care of another rat.  I’m not very good at taking care of their needs: feeding them, cleaning their cage several times a week, giving them new bedding, washing their dirty bedding, replacing their water, playing with them.  Because I’m not good at take care of them, it falls on Mommy to take care of them.  

Mommy is going back to work full time next year.  This change will bring a lot of stress for her: Working without a partner means that every responsibility has to be take care of by herself, she can’t rely on Auntie Gloria to help her manage it.  She will have to spend more time in the classroom, more time after school, and more time on the weekends.  This means less time for the rat, and her friends, and her family.  I know Mommy is feeling conflicted about shifting her time and energy to her work from our family.  She wishes she could have remained half time this coming year so her time and energy could still be like it is this year.  

But that wasn’t God’s plan.    God’s plan was for Mommy to work full time this year.  We don’t know why but we accept God’s plan and that God knows what he is doing.  

I don’t want to get another rat, not because I don’t want Lavender to have a friend and be taken care of.  I don’t want to get another rat because another rat will bring more stress to Mommy in a stressful year.  I want to take care of Mommy first before Lavender.  I know it would be nice to take care of both.  But life isn’t always so easy where we can do everything that we want to.  We have to make difficult choices sometime.  I’m sorry.  

But I love you and your caring heart.  I wish I could give you and Lavender another rat friend.  Your heart is in the right place.  But I hope you can come to understand why I am not willing to buy another rat friend.  

Your Pen Pal, Daddy

 

 

Blogging to Cheryl

​My friend Eric asked, "Why do you write letters to Cheryl when you could just talk to her?"

  • Writing takes time: Time to reflect on situations.  Time to process my thoughts and feelings.  Time to better understand myself.  Time to express what I want to say to Cheryl and how I want to say it.  

  • One of my strengths is writing.  It is smart to use my strengths to improve my relationships.  Like exercising a muscle, using my strengths will help me and my relationships grow stronger. 
  • ​Writing is another way I show Cheryl I care about her.

I wanted to start this blog because I wanted to share my thoughts with you.  Blogging is a way to take time, use my strength, and show I care.  

But I only have so much time, energy, and ability to write.  Often I choose to write to Cheryl instead of you.  Sorry, but I'm no fool.   

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